On Kinks 2/12/19

By Richard E. Bleil, Ph.D.

A recent conversation with a friend of mine centered on types of kinks, which has me stuck on this idea. So, today…a blog on kinks!

Earlier, I wrote about how the web is a graphical interface to the internet. This has given rise to easily accessible pornography (for better or for worse), the upshot of which is more open dialogue and normalization of certain kinks, like incest, rape, bestiality, necrophilia, and sex with minors.

Let me make this very clear from the outset; these things are just wrong. You can disagree with me if you like, but outside of fantasy role-play, these things are never okay. Period.

Inside the bedroom, though, they are the often focus of erotic fantasy role-play. Role-play can, of course, also include thing like “I’m a space cowboy and you own 23,985 socks.” If, however, you do have sexual fantasies of any of the aforementioned fantasies, let me plead with you to speak about them with your partner before engaging in any of them. Rape happens to be one of my favorite fantasies (and I’ve spent many years in therapy coming to grips with how I can fantasize about something I find so morally repugnant), and I have had lovers who shared this fantasy. But, if they do not know I’m going to “play”, or if they are not equally into it, then it is not a sexual fantasy…it’s an unforgivable crime.

This leads naturally to another kink for many people; talking about sex. There are occasions, like I mentioned above, that I believe it is an absolute moral responsibility, but talking about kinks can in and of itself be kinky. I find it especially arousing to discuss such things when I can’t do anything about them. For example, discussing kinky fantasies on the drive home with a lover will easily get me aroused, but there’s nothing I can do about it at the time. When we do get home, however, it definitely is play time!

Speaking of some of these kinks, BDSM (Bondage-Discipline-Sadism-Masochism) is quite popular these days, especially with the release of a movie a few years ago that centered on these games. It MUST be clear that, in any of these kinds of games, the “submissive” always MUST be the one with the power! If this is not the case, this can turn all too real all too quickly. So, here are a couple of safety tips:

• DO NOT participate in this kind of game unless you completely trust your partner, and know, without a doubt, the s/he will stop when you truly want the game to end!

• If you are participating in rape play, be sure to decide on CODE WORDS, in advance, so the “rapist” knows that when the “victim” means to stop, it really means stop and stop right now!

• If gagging is involved, decide on a CODE GESTURE to replace the code word!

Some kinks are far more gentle. Romanticism is often overlooked as a kink, but I’ve blogged about some of the romantic gestures I used to routinely do already. Never underestimate the power of a hand written love letter. Along these lines, there are those people who find common chores erotic, especially if they don’t expect them. There is the old joke about the man wanting to write the American Medical Association because he discovered that the cure for his wife’s headaches was when he did the dishes. These are the kinds of things that, personally, I believe partners should always do anyway. You’re together, so why not pitch in to get chores done, especially since it leaves more time to play for both of you later, but there are those who find it erotic.

Sensory kink is very real. We all know that; although it is men who are usually most affected by visual stimulation (this is why the pornography industry mostly targets men), it does go both ways. Almost all of us will “primp” if we know somebody we want to attract will cross our path on a given day, which is basically taking advantage of the sense of view. We also might put on cologne or perfume, for the added sense of smell. Even sound matters. I have a friend who becomes extremely excited when she hears cello. I have no idea why, but there it is.

Group sex is another kink. One of my greatest regrets is a past lover who at one point asked me if she wanted me to let her find a girlfriend for us. When she asked (yes, this is considered to be a typical fantasy for most men), I immediately said “no”. Frankly, I’ve always had a hard time separating the physical act of love from the fantasy, and I didn’t want to share her with anybody. But my regret is not my decision, but rather, that I was closed to the conversation. When I think back on it, I should have at least heard her out, been willing to consider what she wanted. Sadly, I was still young so I didn’t consider that. Was she dissatisfied with me? Would she have had a more fulfilling love life with a third party? I should have listened.

This is the tip of the kink iceberg. Some kinks are far more personality based, like intelligence, attitudes toward feminism, or even political inclination. Whatever your kink might be, I encourage you to discuss it with your partner. In our society, I have always been disappointed by the stigmas surrounding the topic of sex. There is just way too much judgment, from “taboo” subjects of discussion, to labeling those who choose to participate, or not, in sex. Sadly these labels are too biased against women. The judgments to end. Sex is supposed to be fun. So have fun!

Editorial note:  It has been pointed out to me that bisexuality is an identity, and not in and of itself a “kink”.