Dating Disasters 2/13/19

By Richard E. Bleil, Ph.D.

Seems an appropriate blog topic one day before Valentine’s Day!

On a blind date, the topic of kids came up. I said “I love kids! An open pit flame, a little barbecue sauce…” She looked at me, concern in her eyes, as she asked, “Are you serious?” I figured if she doesn’t have a sense of humor, she deserves it. “Of course,” I replied, furrowing my brows with a faked serious expression. “Haven’t you ever tried child?” Somewhere out there is a cannibal…and it’s all my fault. LAST DATE!

A sense of humor is a must for me. That’s just the way it is. I had a date with a woman and her seven year old daughter, who, at the fast food restaurant, had ordered chicken strips. She didn’t finish them and asked if I wanted them. I picked on up and found its elasticity to be just about perfect. Slightly flexing the two fingers I was using to hold it, I made it appear that the chicken strip backed away from my mouth as I moved in to take a bite, and back again when I pulled away. I looked left and right, and went in to take another bite, only to have it move out of the way. I sighed, and tried three times in rapid succession to take a bite, having it back away and move back again to mock me at each turn. The daughter was laughing her head off, and parents at other tables were pointing the show out to their kids so they could join in the fun. I continued a few more times, when my date, clearly becoming very stressed, told me to stop because I was drawing too much attention. LAST DATE!

I’ve had more than one woman tell me that I would be very popular if I were homosexual. Now, I have no problem with homosexuality, but I just don’t feel like I should change my orientation just to find a date. In fact, on one date, the waiter (yes, male) seemed most assuredly interested in me. I wasn’t worried about it, he was very nice and respected that I was not interested, and as such I took it as a compliment that he seemed to find me attractive. At one point, though, my date suggested I should give him my phone number. She explained that I could have a lot of fun if I went on a date with him. It’s a little bit odd explaining to your own date that you are not, in fact, interested in men. LAST DATE!

Met a woman through a dating service at a prearranged restaurant for our first date. During dinner, she told me about her husband (yes, they were still married), and the woman with whom he was having the affair. She was quite proud to inform me that she had tracked this woman down, broken her jawbone, stripped her naked and tied her to the median of a highway. She was rather surprised that I wasn’t interested in having “relations” with her that night, or that I didn’t want to go out with her again. LAST DATE!

To be fair, not every “one and done” date I’ve had had been my decision to end. Starting my job at a local university teaching chemistry, I had a date with a woman I had met through another dating service. She informed me that she had dumped her previous boyfriend because he was abusive, unstable, alcoholic, and had even threatened to kill her horses at one point. She was looking for a nice man, intelligent, stable without addictions, which I would like to think was me. I thought the date had gone very well, but I guess I was too dull because when I asked her for a second date, she told me she went back to her old boyfriend. LAST DATE!

I’m not exactly a prince. From the other perspective, it’s entirely possible each one of these women are telling horror stories about me, and that’s fair. When I think of some of the terrible dates I’ve had, I can’t help but laugh. There comes a time when you have to make the choice to either laugh or cry, and I’ve chosen to laugh. I also have heartbreaking disappointments and failures of my own. In college, my all-male dorm provided an “escort service” wherein people (technically anybody, but to the best of my knowledge only women used the service) could call in to have a registered individual like myself meet them where they are, and walk with them to their destination. Because I did not drink, I spent most weekends studying in my dorm, so it was not uncommon for them to try several registered “escorts” before calling me, knowing I would pick up. Eventually, my “regulars” would just call me directly. Suzi was one of them, a drop-dead gorgeous, intelligent, charming and exceptionally sweet young woman who worked at a fast food joint and had me walk her home after her shift. One day, she called me to meet me there, outside of her usual time, but when I showed up, she had dressed up, done her hair, makeup, and surprised me. Sadly, I was very awkward, and caught off guard. I asked if she wanted to get supper, but when she said she had eaten, I was at a loss as to what to do. Between the unexpected gesture, an impending exam the next day (in a very difficult subject), and my usual awkward proclivity, I let her down. I truly hope she found the right man, and has lead the wonderful and charmed life that she so richly deserves.

If you find that special someone, hold on tightly. Take the time to show them (which includes but is not limited to telling them) just how lucky you feel to have them in your life. If you don’t, well…you don’t want to end up like me, old and blogging about past failures on the eve of Valentine’s Day.

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