My family misses me. But they reload quickly.
My father took me shark fishing when I was a boy. Apparently, it involves tying your only son to a rope, dragging him behind the boat, and keeping whatever he can catch.
As a child, my father liked to play “Fetch the Lawn Dart” with me. He would often yell for me to get under it.
If I think hard enough, I can still remember my father’s magic spell. You might not believe in magic or that people can fly, but I remember dad would say his word, and the wind whistling past me, the field flying by below me. If I try…can I…maybe I can remember the word…oh, yes! Yes, I remember it now! The word was “PULL!”
My sister married a firefighter. I’m glad. He’s like the son my father always wanted.
I love kids. Open pit fire, a little barbecue sauce…
Getting up in the morning might seem like a good idea while still in bed, but then the rest of the day is spent wishing we were back in bed again.
It might be called “fasting”, but it makes me slow!
I wish somebody would invent a dating app that skipped all the nonsense and wasted time and get straight to me getting my face slapped and dumped.
Did you ever stop to think about lips? It’s so romantic to say “your lips are sweet like cherries”, or “your lips are silky like honey”, but saying “your lips are as satisfying as hummus” is…not.
When our dog is really spooked by something and we walk right over to it to check it out, does our dog think we are incredibly brave, or just really dumb?
Can eating leftovers that turned green considered to be celebrating St. Patrick’s Day?
My father would make rabbit stew the day before Easter. As he served it, he would say, “Well, I guess Easter is canceled this year!” And he’d LAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!
I have a great emptiness in the center of my being. No more skipping breakfast!!!
I never learned anything new in history.
I want to live a rich and full life. Somebody give me a billion dollars. And a pizza.
I guess I’m not smart enough to watch pornography. I keep wondering why she can’t afford that pizza. And why she ordered it if she knew she didn’t have money for it. And how long has the poor thing been broke?!?
Make sure, wherever you work, you go to the bathroom at least once a day. After dealing with their crap all day long, let them deal with yours at least once!
On a blind date, I mentioned that I love kids. Open pit fire…a little barbecue sauce… She looked at me with concern in her eyes, and in a cracking voice said, “are you serious?” I figured if she’s that clueless, she deserves it, so I summoned the most serious look that I could and responded, “well…yeah…haven’t you ever tried child?” Somewhere out there is a cannibal, and it’s all my fault.
I enjoy going to garage sales, and buying complete sets of children’s clothes. I don’t actually do anything with them; I just put the complete sets in vacuum sealed packs, and throw them in my closet. I just enjoy thinking about the time and resources that the FBI will waste on the investigation after I’m dead.
The best cure for insomnia is a good night’s sleep.
My brother-in-law is like the son my father always wanted.
I’ve noticed that when the male meteorologists call for 12-18 inches of snow, the female meteorologists claim it’ll only be a couple of inches. What’s up with that?!?
Some things were never meant to be healthy. I don’t want fat-free ice cream…I want the ice cream that has all of the fat, PLUS the fat added to it that was taken out of the fat-free ice cream!!!!!
I don’t understand the fantasy that so many men have of having a hot nurse from the nursing home sitting on our lap in the twilight of our lives. Would you really want to be in a wheelchair with a nurse on your lap, or do you suppose you would want her to get her butt off of your lap so the circulation returns to your legs?!?
My dog always used to call me “Hey, Mister…” “Hey, Mister, let’s go walk!!!” One day I said to her, you know, other dogs call their humans “Dad” or “Daddy”. She looked me dead in the eyes and said, “you know, you look nothing like me.”
I’m worried about my dog, though, She hasn’t spoken to me in weeks.