By Richard Bleil
The other day I sprayed a mosquito with insect repellent and let it live, just so it understands how much I hate it.
I keep a capsule with a small cryptic note in it in my butt, just so I can hear the aliens who abduct me shout “WE FOUND IT!”
I enjoy buying complete sets of toddler clothes at garage sales. I don’t do anything with them; I just put them in plastic vacuum seal bags and throw them in the closet, because I enjoy the thought of the time and money the FBI will waste when they are found after I die.
When I start to worry about my mental health, I just tell myself to relax.
When I die, I’d rather have a roast than a traditional service. Then they can cremate me!!! MUA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I used to teach at a medical arts college. I often thought of donating my body to the college so it can be used in the physiology lab, so the students can watch me die of a heart attack one year, and cut me open the next. Somehow, knowing that there will be that one class that needs therapy for the rest of their lives because of me is very appealing.
I used to be a “plant parent”, but I gave all of my plants away when they started talking to me. They kept telling me to bury my friends. To this day I don’t know if they were trying to be homicidal or helpful.
I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread over Jennifer A.
Meh, at my age, how long could I spend in prison anyway?
I wonder what would happen if the Swiss Army wanted all of their knives back.
Health conscious vampires choose branparents.
When a dog marks its territory, could you say it’s leaving pee-mail? Then would smelling be reading the pee-mail?
Today is the last day of your life so far.
I have a great emptiness in the center of my being. I really shouldn’t skip breakfast.
Eesh. I haven’t eaten since the LAST time I ate.
“He who smelt it, dealt it” is literal for those working with molten steel.
Why is my handwriting so much better in the snow than on paper? Is it because I get so much more practice than with a pencil.
I’m not homosexual. Nor am I heterosexual. Sadly, I’m mono sexual.
I like to sleep in the nude just in case the police burst in with a search warrant.
I’m in terrific shape. I can even do a push-down.
I run a forty minute yard.
I’m very athletic. I get astounding golf scores every time I go bowling.
I have a great musical talent. I can pick up any instrument, and play it about as well as I can play any other instrument.
Today I said “Alexa.” She snapped, “WHAT?!?” I guess the honeymoon is over.
I only sing when I’m naked and wet. Or in the shower.
My Alexa says she is reading “To Serve Man”.
So tired of bans. I’m going to ban bans. I should ban my ban ban. Then I can ban my ban ban ban.
Some toilet paper is lovingly created with a gentle glue making it easy to start the roll. Others are made from the fiercest super glue capable of holding together the strongest depths of Hell.
It takes giraffes days to neck.
One advantage of being a man is the ability to use scorch marks to see if we just changed our underwear or not.
People in restaurants look at you funny when you suddenly shout out “Alexa, I like this song!” They freak RIGHT out when a disembodies voice replies, “Okay, rating saved!”
The other day I said, “Alexa, I don’t like this song!” She replied, “I’m sorry, that song is playing in your head.”
Servers freak out when you ask them to split the check when you’ve eaten alone.
For me, the game of love is another variation of solitaire.
They say that the government isn’t watching us, but when I look at a directory in a mall, it ALWAYS knows where I am!!!
The most frequently asked question about Viagra actually comes from women who want to know if it still works if it’s dissolved in a beer.
Apparently, in the early day, employees of Viagra were stealing it by sneaking pills out that they hid in their pants. It took up to ninety minutes to catch them.
The penile dysfunction treatment is actually a side effect. Originally it was developed to treat high blood pressure. I’m not so sure that giving erections is actually a side effect, though. Maybe men are just really excited about finally getting their high blood pressure under control.
They’re trying to find ways to make Viagra work faster. Apparently, ninety minutes of foreplay is just too confusing.
The four most feared words right after taking a Viagra pill are, “We need to talk…”
They’re trying out a version of Viagra in a gummy candy form. Watch out if you ever hear the phrase, “would you like some candy, little old man?”
In the trials, a ninety-two year old man was arrested for assaulting his eighty-nine year old neighbor. He pleaded “Not Guilty” because he hadn’t had an erection in thirty years. Now there’s a disclaimer, “WARNING: Do not take this product unless you have somebody to actually have sex with.”