By Richard Bleil
Author’s Note: there really isn’t much point to this post. I wrote it when a wave of depression hit quite suddenly, and I wanted to chronicle how I felt as I was feeling it, and this was the result. I offer no advice, but I’m hoping that those who may feel the same come to realize that they are not alone, and that those who do not might better understand what it can be like.
The blues have hit me hard today. It happens, all too frequently, i fear. Today I’m thinking of my last girlfriend, the “devoted” musician who stood by my side faithfully as she waited for me to pay for her purchases. As soon as the money ran out, so did she.
As I’m dwelling on this, it occurs to me that it’s easy to find reasons to “not”. When I lived in New York City, I never got out to see the Statue of Liberty. After all, it will be there tomorrow, so why not do it another day?
As I write this, I’ve yet to eat today. To actually eat I would have to actually put on shoes, go outside, drive somewhere…surely there is a reason to put it off. After all, I still don’t have a reliable income. I know that I should. I’m getting that little headache warning me that my blood sugar is too low. I have the money, but maybe it’s better to save it. Why not just skip eating today? I’m not really that hungry anyway.
We’re so good at “why not”. We even provide the excuses for each other. My old high school friend and I have fantasized about starting our own business for nearly as long as we have known each other. I’ve approached him a few times with ideas for new products or inventions, and he kindly provided me with the excuses. Nobody would want to buy it, or there’s probably something like it on the market at all, so why not just mothball the ideas? It’s easier than the effort, and less risky than the chances you’d need to develop it and possibly actually launch that company.
I love doing just about anything with the right person, but I hate doing anything alone. It’s really a catch-22, because if you won’t go out to do things, how will you meet the people with whom to share the activities? I sit here alone, in my room, dwelling on just going out to find food, but hate the though of doing it alone. It’s pathetic really; I know this. But, everybody is busy, so why not just stay home today.
The thing I’ve feared my entire life is being alone. God, I’m so alone. I have no family, and it’s been, what, a year since I even had a date? It was more than five before that one. I’ve tried dating sites with no luck, dating services, dating friends of friends; hell, I’ve even tried newspaper personal ads. But I’ve been burned so badly. I’ve been scarred beyond recognition, and hurt by so damned many. So why not just give up. It’s easier, and besides, it’s safer. If I stop trying, then I don’t have to worry about getting involved with another gold digger like my last girlfriend, or narcissist like the wife before her. It’s just safer this way.
I should take better care of myself. There are so many health problems that I have, with the heart attack, high cholesterol, diabetes and depression, I would feel so much better if I got out and walked, or exercised, or did, well, anything. But that takes so much effort, and I know I’m going to die eventually anyway. My depression tells me that I won’t be missed when I do (although I know there are those that will argue this point vehemently), so why not just stay inside and watch movies today?
I love animals. I’ve often thought that I should get a dog, or a cat. At this point, I’m thinking a cat might better fit my lifestyle since my new business might take me away periodically and a cat can take care of him or herself when I do. I had a cat (Sir Purrsalot) and a dog (Bella) in the past. I held them both in my arms as they passed away. It crushed me. I cried more when my cat died than when my own mother did. It was so difficult, and I know that humans outlive cats and dogs that if I did take the chance, it would just happen again. So why not just live alone. It’s fine. Cleaner, and less work to clean up after them anyways. Who needs the unconditional love anyway.
I should be doing some business planning. I’ve started an LLC to convert my experience and training into capital, and what I offer is important and unique enough that few people can do it as well, if at all. After sending out over fifteen hundred applications with only three interviews, though, it’s become clear that nobody wants me anyway. And I’ve had another failed business that has cost me pretty much everything that I had. And so many people have told me that I can’t do it anyway. I’ve made progress, and even landed a couple of clients, but, well, why not just play it safe. Maybe, as a Ph.D. chemist with over twenty years experience in teaching and administration, it would be better to look for a starting position at a store somewhere. Why not just get a menial job that gives me an income for as long as I can stand. Besides, at my age, there can’t be that many years left anyway.
Goddamned I’m hungry.