And Other Oddities 8/30/19

A sillt post By Richard Bleil

We had text messaging when I was young. We called it the US Mail.

My friend lent me her “Politically Correct” Bible, where every reference to God as “He” or “Him” has been changed to simply say “God”. What I don’t get is why we argue about the gender of God, but NOBODY doubts that the Devil is a man!

Before the bride and groom cut into it, I stole a piece of wedding cake from the center tier. Later I discovered it was icing covered Styrofoam for the shape. That’s why it tasted like my mother made it.

My wife thought that I worshiped the ground that she walked on. Actually, I was trying to exorcise it.

I accidentally used Human Growth Hormone on my garden instead of fertilizer. My tomato was PISSED when I tried to make sauce out of it.

When I was in charge of the evidence warehouse, every night I would lock up the warehouse. After hours, when everybody was gone, to check to be sure nobody was there who wasn’t authorized, I would yell, “Is anybody here?” If there was no answer, or if I heard “No”, then I would know it’s clear and I could lock up.

Did you ever point to a bug splattered on the windshield and say to your child, “Look, Timmy…a bug’s butt hole!”? And to think that there are those who have told me what a great father I would have been.

The anti theft mechanism I used on my stadium pillow was an “X” drawn on it along with the words, Place hemorrhoid here!”

I don’t like the face recognition software on my phone. I keep trying to set it up, but it keeps saying “Hold the phone to your face, not your butt!” Just rude.

Going away parties for me have always been amazing! Or so I’m told. I’ve never been to one because, for some reason, they’re always after I’ve already left.

The last time I took my ex-wife to a church all of the Bibles burst into flames.

I have to run to the bank and exchange all of these $100 bills. I spilled blue ink all over mine.

They didn’t notice me walking up to the tall grocery store service counter. I kind of freaked them out when I said, “That sign says ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’, but I noticed it doesn’t say anything about pants.”

Shaking his hand, I said, “That sign about washing hands before leaving the restroom; that’s only for employees, right?”

I like to put the toilet paper on the roll with the open end towards the wall, but then loop the end around the top so it looks like the roll is on in the more traditional way. People literally drop a load when they see it.

I tried starting an anarchist movement, but somebody always tried to lead it.

The beauty of being in a relationship with a werewolf is knowing that your partner can change.

Pizza rolls are neither pizza nor rolls.

It’s false advertising. The grocery story Aldi doesn’t have Aldi food. It should be called Summadi food.

Restaurants that serve Pepsi products is God’s way of making sure that I drink water.

A little paranoia can go a long way.

Until we actually die, how do we know that we’re NOT immortal?

Like my parents used to say; if it doesn’t start growing back by next week, maybe we’ll go to the doctor.

Why are aliens in sci-fi movies ALWAYS naked? It’s disGUSTing!!!

I can’t afford to go to a general store. The best I can do is a corporal store.

I tried to buy a sweater on a sale rack that said 40% off. It turns out, I paid full price, but they tore the sleeves off at the counter. Now it’s a sweater vest.

This is a public service announcement. This public service announcement is being brought to you as a public service. This public service announcement is a public service announcement. Do not fry bacon in the nude. This has been a public service announcement. This public service announcement has been brought to you as a public service. This public service announcement has been a public service.

When we see the contraction “weeknights”, how do we know it means “week nights” and not “wee knights”? Maybe it means knights under five foot tall.

I look at the toys kids have. Four wheelers, motorcycles, all of the dangerous stuff they have. My family couldn’t afford dangerous toys. But my mom did give me a rope and taught me how to tie a noose. Does that count?

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