Reflections By Richard Bleil
So my social media pages brings up old posts from the past. Today it brought one up from five years ago, something that I wrote that went like this:
“My friend’s daughter was selling cookie dough [she really was; that was the inspiration] for her hs sports team. They had six types of cookies, so, being indecisive as I am, I bought one of each just to help her out.
“Now you all know me, and you all know that I always say get the dough up front. You’ve heard me say that. Haven’t you heard me say that? Do you suppose she listened and got the dough up front? No. Now she’s into me for 6 large. Six large is a lotta dough.
“Sos I says to her, I says, don’t you make me a punk. Don’t yous makes me waits too long to gets me my dough. Don’t make me a punk, and don’t yous even think about skipping out of town wid my dought. I says to her I says dat’s alotta dough, and if yous try to skip town I will track yous down. I will track yous down for my dough, and whens I finds you, you better believe I will bake your cookies. Don’t yous makes me no punk, I says dat to her.
“I have no idea why she laughed at me.”
Oh fine, go ahead and laugh. It’s all well and good to laugh at my weirdness, but remember, I’m the one who has to live with this mind!
My twisted thoughts have gotten me in trouble before. The Seventh Day Adventists (SDA) are largely vegetarian. It’s not a church mandate, but one of their most influential historical memories was Dr. Kellogg, brother of the founder of the Kellogg cereals, and he was SDA (this is the subject of a very funny movie called “The Road to Wellville” with Matthew Broderick). As such, the school was largely vegetarian as well. I asked, in a faculty meeting, if it was ethical to have animal crackers in a vending machine. Now that’s part of a commercial for Chrysler. Why didn’t Chrysler get in as much trouble for this joke as i did?!?
I don’t know. I just enjoy twisted things I guess. My best Halloween costume was the one I gave my very sweet, but very large and intimidating looking dog. I took a shirt sleeve, and attached a latex glove at the bottom, stuffed it so it looked full, and attached it to a pork shoulder at the other end. I let her hang out in her cage in view of Trick or Treaters as she ate it. For the number of visitors I had, I sure had a lot of leftover candy.
I worked at a college that had, as one of its primary majors, Physician’s Assistant. PA’s make a lot of money, and one of them drove a rather nice car. He was also a Vikings fan, and flew a very old flag off of the back rear mirror. I happened to see the same flag, but for the Bengals, in a store. So, I bought it, and one day, I swapped his Vikings flag for a Bengals flag just to see how long it would take him to notice. I also noticed that day that, while the Dean was out, the door to his office was open. So, I hid the Vikings flag in the Dean’s office. What really confused this particular faculty member was how I “broke into his car” to swap the flag.
I had too much fun at that college. Another faculty member whose office was just down the hallway from mine had hung up a string of what were meant to be Christmas Tree decorations on his bookshelf. They were wired like Christmas Tree lights, but instead were a string of “little drummer boys”, and once plugged in would drum out about fifteen Christmas songs. In a store, I happened upon a sound activated “Rapping Santa” (this was in the mid to late ’90’s), so I bought it. While my friend was out of his office, I hid it in his office, behind the books on that same shelf. Every time he turned on the drummers, the Rapping Santa would start. What surprised me was that he never said anything. Curious, I asked a friend to find out what was going on, so the next time she was in his office, she asked about the Drummer Boys. He brightly explained them to her, and smiling plugged them in for a demonstration. They started, the rapping started, he scowled and unplugged them. “I don’t get it,” he said. “They must be picking up the radio signal from that station down the road. They play that song a LOT.” To this day, he now locks his door when he leaves.
And I have to LIVE with this brain!