Mostly silliness by Richard Bleil
Sex is so much fun. We’re enchanted by it, enthralled. Unfortunately for me, it’s been a while. In fact, the last time I was with a woman, we were listening to Billy Squire on eight-track. I suppose it’s not a bad thing to go for a long time between lovers, though. When I think back on the women with whom I have been intimate, I must admit that there are more disappointments than anything else. If I had the chance to do it over again, for most, I would not.
Almost everybody enjoys sex. When women are with me, all they want is to go to bed. So, they say goodnight and show me out. Sex is a marvelous thing, but there are so many unhealthy habits. Unfortunately, it can also be used as a weapon, to trap somebody into doing something that they would rather not do, or to shame somebody. I suppose this is why it is often thought of as “sinful”. It’s this hurtful side that is bad.
When one decides to have sex, I think it’s important to protect oneself. Emotionally is part of it, but physically as well. Even the ancient Greeks knew of prophylactics and used natural membranes as such. I have a condom that I’ve waited so long to use that it’s made out of sheep bladder. These days it’s important to protect oneself from venereal diseases as well. In fact, in the Renaissance such diseases were very common in the ruling class which is thought to be part of the reason for the fall of the noble class.
I’m told that I am handsome, but I find it hard to believe. When you don’t have self-confidence, it really hits your ability to interact with those you find attractive. When I was a kid, I asked my mother for a kiss goodnight. She asked if we can just be friends. I’ve always been bashful, and odd. I’ve never been into sports, and I’m kind of “scrawny”.
It makes it difficult to meet women, which haunts me even today. I went to a charity kissing booth. They charged me double. They pocketed the money. They said my kiss WAS charity. In fact, I don’t remember my first kiss. I was a toddler, and I’m sure it was staged by my parents as a photo op, which they still have. Oh, yes, those are a great source of pride. My first kiss was when I was a high school senior, and it would not be for another six years or so before my first sexual encounter.
I asked my mother if I was handsome. She started talking about how pretty my sister is. But my sister was always, oh, let’s say “innocent”. In my thirties, she asked if I was still a virgin. No, I was not, and she was shocked. She asked if it was “any good”, because she still didn’t enjoy sex with her husband of over ten years. I suggested that she try different positions. She was flat out disgusted, saying “I don’t want it in my…” She never was particularly bright.
My friend’s dad paid for a prostitute as a gift for him. I asked my dad if he would do the same for me. My dad said our house wasn’t worth that much money. I actually never paid for sex, at least not live. I’ve called phone services, though. At two dollars a minute, I certainly am in the wrong job. I never did get into the habit, though. The encounter always left me feeling unfulfilled. I never wanted just physical relationships, and by definition those numbers are just a service. My prom date was a prostitute, though, but my regular readers probably have already read that blog post.
The last time I was intimate with a woman, we tried this brand-new sexual position called “missionary”. Speaking of positions, though, the Kama Sutra has always been fascinating to me. Yes, it’s a book of positions, but what most people don’t realize is that it’s actually a spiritual work. The idea is that if you follow the book and practice, it will lead to spiritual enlightenment. Unfortunately for me, I don’t have enough money to buy all of the blue pills it would take for me to reach that level of enlightenment.
So, you might be wondering what the point is to this blog. There is none. For some reason, I got onto a streak of sexual jokes, and I thought it might be fun to write them down. These jokes in and of themselves were too short to make an entire blog, so I thought I’d work around them and add additional thoughts. If you laughed, then I’m glad you feel like you can laugh at me. Go spend two dollars a minute now.