Relationship Types 9/15/20

Thoughts by Richard Bleil

She was just stunning. Absolutely gorgeous. We met in the library when I was in graduate school, so figure I was, what, about 26 or 27? And she was a non-trad, so she was older than the typical student. She was also, of course, married.

Turns out, she was married to a local television meteorologist, so he had some local fame. But I truly enjoyed speaking with her. Yes, she was physically just beautiful, but she was charming, sweet and intelligent. We would meet and chat periodically, but nothing more than that. Then, one day, she stopped by my office. We looked out the window as she solemnly informed me that she had thought about it very carefully but had decided that she could not have an affair with me.

Ignorant as I was, I had no idea that possibility was ever on the table. I don’t think I could have had an affair with her anyway just because of my own morals, but to be honest, I was also young enough that my hormones, had I known, would have given my morals a real run for the money.

At this point you might be thinking that she is a bad person for even considering this, but it would have been justified. Her husband, being on television, would regularly cheat on her. But, like me, she couldn’t bring herself to have an affair just to get even with him, and I agree. Revenge sex is a dangerous game to play.

Having a lover outside of marriage is not necessarily a bad thing. I have a friend who has suggested that her husband find a “fetish girlfriend” to live out some of the things he wants that she is not willing to do. It’s an interesting concept, I must admit, and I do not know if she would want to join in the games or not. She never shared that kind of detail with me, but I’m not sure she would admit if she was interested in experimenting in same sex activities. Whether or not they actually did this I do not know, but the point is that if they made this decision as a couple, it’s a far different story than when one spouse is acting like the marriage is open while trying, usually futilely, from the other. At least if it’s a common decision it shows respect for each other.

I have another friend who is a sex toy for a neighboring family. Apparently, it started with the husband and wife in a game what involved drinking and undressing. Today, she tells me, both husband and wife, as well as their two sons, periodically just have sex with her. This strikes me as rather more dangerous. While I’m sure it started respectfully, I can see this situation easily devolving into disrespect. I’ve had two different friends in two different situations where their boyfriends would “lend them out” to his “friends”. One knew she was being pimped out, the other realized it quite a bit later. With my friend, I hope it doesn’t happen to her, but I can see it easily turning into that, where they start saying “I have a friend who I want you to meet,” followed with “and if you want to have sex with him it’s okay.” It’s her choice, of course, and I’m not critical of her decisions, but I do hope that she never loses sight of the fact that if it becomes uncomfortable, she has the power to walk away. I’m a little bit worried that she is already being controlled because the last couple of times we had the opportunity to get together (no, not for sex), after a very long hesitation, she informed me she would not be able to. I hope I’m wrong to be concerned.

I’ve written before that it’s not necessary to have a wedding to be a married couple, and clearly, being a married couple doesn’t mean both parties will be faithful. Heck, my own wife cheated on me. And couples have such a broad range of flexibility in how they define themselves, if they’re in an open or closed marriage, if they only are with each other or choose to bring others into the relationship, but regardless, communication is the key. It breaks my heart when I meet women who are faithful to a faithless husband, but in the end, if they choose to remain faithful is their choice, regardless of how much it might upset me. I only wish that their husbands understood the gift these women are giving to them in making that choice.

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