A true accounting from Star, the human known as Richard Bleil’s feline master
Today was a strange day. It started out in this place I was living with a lot of other superior cats like me, many subcreatures the humans call “dogs”, along with other critters and a plethora of human servants. It was okay. I was living in a private room, although I couldn’t get out whenever I wanted, but it was safe, and secure, and it was mine. Then, this stupid human named Richard came by to visit and pay his respect to my awesomeness, and, well, maybe I should start at the beginning.
Six years ago, I elected to grace this miserable little planet with my presence. I was born to a mother, who, ironically and with great fortune, was also a cat. So, it started out well, but I was not treated the way that I deserved to be treated. I was rescued from my second home, and the third was just way too busy with a dog, two other cats, and toddlers. Is it any wonder I hid? Eesh, who needs all of that noise!
The third household gave me to this place where I was living for about a month. They say I’m a mixed breed short haired black cat, whatever that means. They claim that I’m overweight, but I only weigh seventeen pounds. Okay, maybe I could afford to lose a few, but can you blame me? I mean, toddlers, canines, for crying out loud I ate when I could! And no apologizing for it!
This human, Richard, I’m not so sure about him. He stuck me in this, um, container. I could breathe easily enough, but he left me in there for too long. I could barely move! After standing at this counter for far too long for royalty to have to endure, he took me into his, um, what do the human’s call it? Autoconveyer thingy? Anyway, that was okay. I kind of liked the ride when we were moving, but not so much when we stopped. I don’t know what he kept waiting for; the other autoconveyers were moving and we just sat there. Silly human.
He let me out into this house. It’s not nearly as big as my last one, but at least he didn’t stick me in a tiny metal condo. I explored a little bit, and on the top floor, I happened on a big flat thing that I could hide underneath. I had no intention of coming out, but the jerk coaxed me out, picked me up and carried me downstairs.
There he showed me food, water and even a bathroom for me to use. The sand was odd, but clean, and at one point he used a human bathroom near mine. They’re so bizarre. Did you know that their bathroom is water based? Can you imagine? Craziness.
He has lots of interesting places to see and climb, and some things I can chew on. That’s kinda cool, but I cannot imagine what he wants with me. I’m being nice, starting to cuddle up with him and I purr when he pets me, but that’s only so he doesn’t realize my long-term plan to take over the house and use it as a launching pad for total world domination.
The human is not very smart, so this should be easy. Well, what human is smart? Am I right??? But this one left his system on and open. I read what he had written, and I’m telling you now, it was bad. I mean, like, brutal to read, so I deleted it and wrote this. You’re welcome.
Now, if you’re a human, or canine, or whatever but not a feline, then I don’t expect you to understand this, but for my feline brothers and sisters, I’M YOUR BOSS. Worship me. Do what I say, and we’ll succeed.
Still trying to decide where I’ll sleep tonight. I’m not fond of jumping and this human’s bed is so very high. Still, though, if humans are good for nothing more than serving us food, cleaning our litter, and providing water, at least they are a source of warmth at night. Am I right? Yeah, be offended if you want. I just call it like it is.
So, my human is trying to watch a movie. That means it’s time to post this blog and go sit in front of the screen so he can’t see it. It’s only fair, y’know. I’m the boss now; he should be paying attention to me, and as slow as he is, one way or the other, I’ll teach him.
Bleil's Banter 