A Reply to Richard Bleil’s Feline Star
My name is Rufus, and I’m a good boy. Recently I read a couple of posts by the evil and cruel feline named Star, and I felt the canine contingency needs a spokespuppy.
Yes, the ancient Egyptians, in their ignorance, praised felines as Gods. It’s ridiculous since everybody knows the God spelled backwards is Dog, an anagram for Dat’s a Good Boy. Everybody knows that man’s best friend is a dog, not a cat.
Okay, dog, what are you doing?
I’m setting the record straight, Star. You’ve been spewing some rotten milk here lately.
And you think you have what it takes to stand up to me???
I’m the mighty Rufus! I’m a cat killer!!!
Oh, really? And how many cats, exactly, have you killed?
Well, none. I’m a good boy, but I could. I’m vicious and strong and
Oh please. One swat at your nose and you yelp and run away.
Well, yeah, why would you do that? It’s so cruel! And besides, it’s cheating because your claws are sharp.
Like shivs.
Yeah. And I don’t know who said you have nine lives, but we have nine k’s.
K’s?
Yeah, we have K-9.
Yeah, that’s dumb.
Oh yeah? Well, we’re smart enough to do our business outside, like civilized creatures, and not in the house. Unless we’re young and still learning. Or upset about something.
And the human steps in it and gets upset.
Yeah, I don’t know why he doesn’t just avoid it when he smells it.
Maybe he can’t tell the smell of your droppings from your breath.
Hey, poo is delicious. Don’t knock it until you try it.
Ugh, you’re going to make me hock up a fur ball. Why are you even defending these humans?
Humans are our leaders. They are to be revered. We love the humans.
Seriously? They’re our servants.
But they give us food, and water!
They must serve us food and water or we’ll bat them about the face and head until they get out of head.
They take us out for walks.
They’d better not!
They tell us when we can go to the bathroom.
The humans can clean my litter box if they know what’s good for them.
I don’t think you give the humans the proper respect. From our earliest ancestors, they protected us, and we are their very best friends.
Our ancestors ate them until they realized that we were their gods. And they’ll learn it again.
Humans are our alphas. They’re the best of us, and we owe them our allegiance.
They evolved from monkeys.
What does “evolve” mean?
It means our animal ancestors, from which we evolved. I evolved from the noble Saber Tooth Tiger, predator extraordinaire in ancient time.
And what did I evolve from?
Rufus, you evolved from a pool of snot.
SWEET! Sounds delicious!
God is dead.
I thought you were god.
Shut up, dog.
There, run rings around you. LIKE THIS! I love running rings. And, hey, what’s that?
Ugh, that’s your tail moron.
I’m going to grab it. C’mere. C’mere. C’mere. I’m going to catch you, tail!
Can we please end this nonsense?
It’s not nonsense, CAT. You wrote two blogs so far, and I’m here to say that we canines will foil your plans of domination.
Dogs are not intelligent enough to thwart our plans.
Oh yeah? Well if I’m so not smart enough, then why is it that dogs like me can do tricks, but you cats can’t?
What makes you think that cats can’t learn tricks?
I’ve never seen you do tricks. Nobody has ever seen you do tricks.
There’s a difference between not being able to learn, and not being willing. Tricks are just demeaning.
What does demeaning mean?
It means that tricks are perfect for dogs but not for cats.
YAY! Tricks are demeaning! That makes me so very happy.
Yeah, somehow that doesn’t surprise me.
Why are you bothering me in this post anyway? I didn’t bother you in your posts.
That’s because I’m real. You’re a figment of the human’s mind.
See? The human thinks about me!
Okay, this just took a turn for the surrealistic. I’m out of here.
Finally, it’s just us. Don’t fear the cats. We’re here to protect you A BALL! Oh oh oh, throw the ball! PLEASE throw the ball, and I’ll get it, and bring it back, and not want it, and still want you to throw it so I can get it and bring it back and not drop it again! Oh please please please!!!!
Bleil's Banter 