TP 2/17/21

Thoughts by Richard Bleil

To be honest, some of the advertisements I’ve seen are so ridiculous they’re actually funny. Not too long ago, I saw an advertisement on my social media page that said that humans are the only animals that use toilet paper. Well, gee whiz, thanks Mr. Science. Then the advert went on to suggest that the reason animals don’t use toilet paper is because, with their diet, they don’t have to use it.

That’s funny. I thought animals didn’t use toilet paper because they’ve not built the infrastructure necessary to process trees and manufacture toilet paper. Apparently, I’m kind of an idiot. Interestingly, toilet paper wasn’t invented until 1857, so I’m guessing that if we all resorted to the typical 1856 diet, we wouldn’t need toilet paper either.

I know what you’re thinking. “What kind of crappy post is he writing?” Good question. I don’t know; all I do know is that I need toilet paper.

Actually, I don’t. I installed an actual factual bidet in my toilet. I’m sure you all know what a bidet is, but just in case, it’s basically a shower for your bum.

“Bum” is British for “ass”.

Yep, that’s right. Turn a little knob and a stream of water gently washes the soiled part of your bum. Turn it further and you get a harder and more direct shot for those more difficult dingleberries.

“Dingleberry” is American for “PIECE OF CRAP”.

So what’s better for the environment, a bidet, or toilet paper? Well, you still need to use a little bit of toilet paper for the bidet, but only a couple of squares to dry after the bidet, and believe me, that water is COLD. But the water is processed. For a time there was discussion of piping two different qualities of water in homes, namely potable for drinking and less-than-potable for things like showers, and toilets, and bidets. This idea never took off, mainly, I’m sure, because even in the shower we often get water in our mouths. There has also been a suggestion that we can run water from our sewage treatment plants back into houses. This actually is a very good idea since, by the time it is released, water from the treatment plants is often cleaner than what we do pipe into our homes with the only exception being the ”ewww” factor. The “ewww” factor is that part of human nature that is fine with water that is safe and healthy and tastes fine until we find out it was once sewage, in which case we say “ewww” and raise a right fine fuss about it.

Sometimes we can ignore the “ewww” factor, and other times we cannot. I love goat meat; I’ve had it in the foodstuffs (lovely word, isn’t it?) of other cultures and it’s actually quite good. Odd consistency but good flavor, and yet, I know many people who won’t try it because of the “ewww” factor. Or tripe. Or squid tentacles. Or testicles. I have a high tolerance for the “ewww” factor, but if you can’t get past it, it can stop you in your tracks. It’s because of the “ewww” factor that women won’t date me, in fact.

Many years ago, living in a house with ten other roommates, we decided to have a house party. In preparation, I was making a dish when my roommate, who smoked marijuana like they were cigarettes, asked what I was making. I said, “sweet breads.” He replied, “what is that?” I answered, “pig testicles.”

“EWWW! NO WAY!” he said, and he ran out of the room. He was gone about as long as it would take to smoke a joint when he returned and said, “are those really testicles?” I said, “sure, try one.”

“EWWW! NO WAY!” he shouted, and he ran out of the room again. Then he returned. This cycle repeated itself three more times, when finally, he tried one.

“Hey, these are good!” he said. “These will be really popular if you don’t tell people what they are.”

“I’m only kidding,” I said. “They’re just party meatballs.”

“NO WAY!” he shouted and ran out of the room.

This was the day that I decided the marijuana isn’t right for me.

Not that alcohol is any better. I can’t imagine wanting to “drink the worm,” which is not a metaphor, by the way. And yet, there are people who live for drinking the worm in tequila. I’ve seen tarantulas and scorpions in lollipops, but to me, that’s just a waste of a perfectly good lollipop. So, no, I’m not immune either.

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