Movie Life 4/20/21

Thoughts by Richard Bleil

Watching a romantic comedy, it occurs to me that living in a movie world would be so different from living in the real world. In this movie, this nerdy little goofy guy that never grew up has a thing for the beautiful owner of the butcher shop. Not only is she beautiful, but as it turns out, she’s single and attracted to him as well. I cannot tell you the last time I was attracted to a woman who was single, because they’ve never been single. When I met the future ex-Mrs. Bleil, she told me that she had “just broken up” with her boyfriend and so was single, but, it was only a day or two later when he was at her doorstep during a movie date at her place whining and crying and begging her to return, leading me to suspect that she hadn’t actually broken up with him until she decided that she wanted to be with me.

Parking is another story. I’ve lived in some pretty big cities in my day. No, never Los Angeles, but I have lived in Boston and New York City. In Boston, the parking was so bad that double parking was the norm. I actually used to joke about how triple parking was illegal unless all of the double-parking spaces were taken. I get the feeling the cars parked by the curb have actually been abandoned for decades because they could never get out. The ironic thing about Boston Police is that they loved “the boot”, a clamp they put on the vehicles so they can’t move until you’ve paid your tickets and the rental fee for the clamp and the fee for the removal service and the fee for placing it and the fee for the police commissioner. But if it was a sweet parking spot, why would you ever want the boot to be removed anyway? But in Movietown, there’s always parking. Always. Even in the most busy city, and what’s more, that one open parking spot, the only parking spot available, is directly in front of the building you want to go to. I’ve always enjoyed that, too, when cops just whip into the parking spot right in front of their building. In the real world, they would be driving around for hours searching for a spot as the bad guy got away.

Movieworld emergency rooms would be cool. Have you ever noticed that in the movies, before treating that gunshot wound, there’s never that person asking if the victim is insured, or having the victim sign twenty forms to protect the hospital from malpractice? Hospital rooms are always private, and there never is malpractice. I’ve never seen a movie where the operation for the gunshot victim was messed up and now he’s a woman with a bullet wound. In fact, as bad as it seems, the surgeons always manage to save the hero, but, never before there’s a protracted time where they’re just not sure. And speaking of, have you noticed that a man and still single attractive woman meet, have sex and fall in love forever and ever in an afternoon while being chased by a homicidal maniac that eventually shoots him before his sex change operation? Stuff like that never happens to me.

Movieworld cars must have amazing mileage. It’s rare that you ever see a Movieworld vehicle stop for gas. They can have these amazing car chases, pedal to the metal, in terrible terrain but they never seem to run out of gas. Unless it’s comical to do so. When it’s funny, they run out of gas, but if you’re serious, your gas will last forever.

Why don’t I have a theme song? In Movietown, there’s always a theme song. I mean, let’s be fair…often the theme song is horrible, but they have a theme song.

But security in Movietown leaves much to be desired. Seems like doors never have locks, but when they do, they’re rarely used. Except by bad guys, but I don’t know why because detectives never have any problem kicking doors down in Movieworld. I noticed this when I was living in New York City. When I lived there, everybody had steel doors, often with this clever bar that goes from the center of the door to a specifically designed steel reinforced notch in the floor. Good luck kicking that door down. But in Movieworld even in the largest cities, the doors are made of some kind of flimsy wood, like balsa wood. I have a more difficult time breaking pencils than they have kicking down a door on the very first try. Oh, if it makes it more dramatic, sometimes they need to try three times, but only after bracing themselves especially hard for the kick. Then, no problem.

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