Humans 4/29/30

Thoughts by Star, the feline overlord of Richard Bleil

Humans are exhausting! Seriously, what is up with all of their bipedal running around and doing stuff all of the time?

Look, all that matters are three things. If their food bowl is full, if the water is clean, and if the litter is clean. And, yes, I understand that it is the human’s job to perform these menial tasks, but beyond that, why don’t they just nap like they’re supposed to? I just don’t get it. Seems like they always run out into their big metal rolly boxes and get, what do they call it? Food? And they don’t just eat it, either. Oh, no, their food bowls have to be “prepared” and “hot” and have “variety”. Pish. It’s really very simple. If it’s that dry stuff, just scratch somebody’s face off.

I don’t think this particular human is a very good specimen, though. He’s always frantic about wanting to ask a female of his species out, but I have yet to see him with one. Me? I already have a feline boyfriend. He’s a bad boy feral that comes around every day. I don’t want to go outside, and he won’t come in. We just look at each other through the window and talk dirty to each other. But still, I’m doing better than my human, and I never leave the house! How appealing can he be as a human if he can’t even find one when he goes out all of the time?!?

Here’s a perfect example of a useless activity. As I’m sitting here using his computer, he’s outside. What kind of idiot goes outside when there’s food in the bowl? And he’s doing something completely stupid. All he’s dong is pushing this really loud thing back and forth across the lawn. I keep thinking he’s going to push it off of our territory, but no, then he turns around and chases it back to the other edge. What’s up with that? All it does is make him smelly and wet and then he does that weird thing where he bathes in water instead of with his tongue. At least then he’s not smelly anymore so there’s that, I guess.

A few days ago, he was upstairs where my second litter box is working on that tall porcelain thing. He was making a lot of noise with these metal things that came out of his portable carrier box and stripped the whole thing apart. Now, I can respect breaking things apart into smaller pieces. I don’t think I could tear that particular thing up, but he could so good for him. In the end, though, all he did was put it back together again. I mean, seriously, all of that work just to put it back together? He seemed really happy about it, too. I can hear water running from it, and he kept turning water on and off as if there was some joy in it. And watching him do this, I can tell you that he dances like an idiot. I don’t see the point to that, either.

And can you believe that my human hardly ever sleeps? What is up with that? Look, we all need sixteen to twenty hours of sleep a day, everybody knows that, but he only sleeps during the night for, like, five hours until I wake him up because I want more food. Oh, sometimes he falls asleep on the couch watching more attractive human specimens running around and shooting at each other on that thing, but that’s about it. I have to admit, I do enjoy sleeping in the space between his arm and body when he does that. It’s pretty warm and comfortable, but even at that it’s only an hour or two or five. I don’t know, I’m usually asleep so I don’t know how long it is, but see? He knows how to do it, he’s just too dumb to do it when he’s not eating or using the litter.

And this machine drives me crazy. I mean, he only lets me use it when he’s nowhere near, but he uses it way too often. I try to tell him. I walk on the keyboard and stick my butt in his face, but he just pushes me off and keeps right on doing whatever it is he’s doing on this. What a bully. Just because he’s bigger than I am. Doesn’t he know that when my butt is in his face, he’s supposed to pay attention to me? So, I do things while I’m walking on the keyboard. The other day he was watching one of those things that’s usually on the screen downstairs, so I changed the language to Korean. He’s so funny, he couldn’t even figure out how I did it. But, now I guess I’ll publish this post. I don’t think he’ll ever find it.

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