Thoughts by Richard Bleil
Yes, July 31 is, indeed, National Orgasm Day. No, I have no idea what the origins of this day are, but, you know, orgasms are good. As a nation, we don’t like to discuss topics of sexuality. It’s all just too taboo for most of us, but frankly, I think it’s healthy to be open and honest about sexuality. I’ve written about it already, but, honestly, some topics are worth repeating.
Frankly, I have no idea why sexuality is such a taboo subject. There is so much harm that comes about from the fear of talking about it. Sexual assault, pedophilia, rape are all supported by the desire to avoid discussion of taboo subjects. But it affects us even more. How many couples would have a happier, richer and more fulfilling love life if they could openly discuss their desires and fantasies with their partner? How many couples have fallen apart because their sexual life was unsatisfactory?
I was talking with a friend of mine who told me of her rape fantasy. People are as reticent to discuss the rape fantasy as they are the act of rape, and, indeed, there is a world of difference between the fantasy and the act. Before going any further with the discussion, though, remember that if you and your partner decide to play this game, you must do so safely. First, do NOT attempt bondage or rape role-play with somebody that you know beyond trust. If you trust that your partner will stop if you want them to, that’s not enough. You want to KNOW that they will stop. There should be no doubt in your mind. And be sure safety measures are in place. If you want to be able to beg and plead without stopping the fantasy, then you need a safe word that your partner knows and will respect means stop and stop right now. Even without this fantasy, it’s possible for somebody to accidentally trip a trigger word or action that unexpectedly raises memories or emotions that you may not even realize are there. I myself like to use the colors of a stop light. “Green” means go, “Red” means stop the game entirely and immediately. “Yellow”, then, is the word that pauses the game, so something can be discussed. “I don’t want you to,” or “I would like it if”. Once the parameters are set, then “green”. If you use a gag, be sure there’s some form of non-verbal communication, perhaps tapping “SOS” in Morse code for example.
Rape fantasies are complex. For a long time I think I misunderstood the impetus behind them when I assumed it was a fantasy about being with somebody who is so passionate about you that they just can’t take “no” for an answer, but I don’t think that’s it. Rape is a crime of violence, not sex. But, I’ve been told that some people who have been raped enjoy the fantasy as a kind of catharsis, a way to deal with the memory and pain and replace it with something better. A psychiatrist once told me that the major issue with rape victims is not the act, but rather, the lack of control. A former “playmate” of mine once explained that when we played, she always knew that she was in control, because she had the power to end it at any time.
Okay, seriously, this fantasy is one of my favorite games, but there is so much more to sexuality than role-playing. Heck, there’s more to sexuality than sex. In my opinion, men often don’t take foreplay seriously enough. Women need to be pleasured, to be convinced that, indeed, he wants her. Heck, for some if he does the dishes, it’s foreplay. Don’t do the foreplay you enjoy, but the foreplay that she desires. Give to her, as she is about to give to you.
Mostly, learn how to talk. Talk about past lovers, and what they did that you really enjoyed and wish you could get more of. Talk about things you’ve heard about and want to experiment with. Go to an adult toy store and buy some marital aids. And don’t feel intimidated if she can have a better orgasm with a toy than she can with your equipment. After all, isn’t that the point of sex? To have fun? Better that she enjoys her new toy than a new lover, don’t you think?
Never take a partner for granted. If you have a partner, you’re more fortunate than the author of this blog. I don’t think I’ve had a partner throughout the entire previous presidency. I guess I’m fortunate it was just one term. And enjoy your orgasm.