Defense by Star the Feline Lord and Master of Richard Bleil
Don’t believe anything that this hooman tells you. He’s kind of dumb. We cats know that hoomans leave a lot to be desired in the area of clever, but this one seems to be even slower than the rest of you. No offense intended, there’s no shame in being the intellectually inferior to felines. Heck, you’re smarter than dogs, so that’s something. I guess. I mean, it’s a pathetically low bar, but at least you cleared it. Barely.
Apparently, my hooman’s first feline master was Sir Purrsalot, who he used to call Purrsy. The hooman says he was an orange male long-hair cat. He adopted my hooman one cold day. My hooman was living with a large friendly and easily dominated black hundred-pound dog called “Bella”. When the hooman came home, he heard a “mew” outside, and Purrsy started rubbing on his leg. The hooman thought he was somebody else’s cat, so he put a little food outside far from the house, but he and Bella heard “mewing” outside the door about twenty minutes later. When the hooman opened the door, the tiny fluffball kitten walked past him and Bella and declared the home his. Yep, that’s how a cat adopts you.
Sometimes this hooman will tell the story of when he tried to play a movie on one of these devices of his. Purrsy apparently got onto the keyboard and changed the language to Chinese. A simple thing to do, of course, but the hooman could never figure out how to change it back to his own language, apparently call “English”, but it only sounds like clicks and grunts to me. He needs to learn Feline, and the mesmerizing and lyrical mewing involved with it. Until he does, he’s just a barbarian. I mean, I understand English, so I don’t know why he doesn’t get cat. Not all of it. I only know the important word of English, namely “Star”. I know “Star”. It’s a good word.
Except when he said it today. Today it didn’t sound like he was saying it very nice. I don’t even know why he was so upset. He had one of those techy devices with all of the keys on his lap and wasn’t paying attention to me. First of all, his lap is for my use, not that thing of his. The sooner he learns this lesson, the fewer claws he’ll get. But he wouldn’t move it and kept click-clacking on it ticking me off more and more. So, fine. If Purrsy can mess him up, I can surely do better. I mean, yes, Sir Purrsalot was a cat, but he was a male cat, so he clearly can’t be more intelligent than I. So, I did what any intelligent cat would do. I jumped on the keyboard and locked up his computer by simultaneously opening dozens of files all at once.
Locked it up for about an hour! It was awesome!!
So I thought I’d jump on his blog and explain my side of the story. If he tells you I locked up his computer for an hour as it opened endless files, don’t believe it. I mean, yes, I did it, but it was his fault. He wasn’t letting me lay on his lap, and he wasn’t giving me lovin’s until I was satisfied and suddenly and without warning claw his hands until they’re bloody because I’ve had enough, so it was all his fault anyway.
Oh, and ANOTHER thing he did. He had the audacity to run that upright thing that sucks today. Can you believe it? And he ran it near my food. Now I’m screaming my head off, but he won’t throw out all of my food and replace it with fresh since it’s probably ruined now that that thing was so close to it.
Seriously. Are they any hoomans out there more worthy of my love and affection that this guy? It’s a pretty low bar, so I’ll bet there is. We’ll do it like I did with that other cat, Mooch. Just move in off of the street, and chase him out, and we’re good. I mean, seriously, you don’t expect me to go to you, do you? THIS is my house, not the hooman’s. So, it’s okay. I invite you to come and chase out this hooman. But I’m a girl, so you better be a male hooman. I don’t want you to get all offended just because I’m the prettier and more desirable female in the house. So, boy hoomans, let the games begin for my affection. Just leave me alone. Whoever remains will be good enough. Any boy hooman has to be an improvement.