Thoughts by Richard Bleil
On the day I am writing this, she married. This is anticipated to publish in one week, so if you were married one week ago today, yes, I’m writing about you, specifically. And for my readers, yes, I do love her.
This is a frightening thing, but it shouldn’t be. I understand how, with the ongoing war on women, it could make her uncomfortable to read this. Stalkers being what they are, and men often confusing love with lust, and the dangers of this world, that phrase can be a frightening thing. And she really doesn’t know me all that well, but I do hope she knows me well enough to realize that I pose no risk to her. She’s also wise enough to realize that there are many kinds of love. And no, I don’t love her as her (now) husband does. How could I? I have known her for years, but never really deeply. I know her well enough to know how much fun I have when we’re together. I know her kind soul, and spirit of freedom. I know how intelligent she is, and I’m looking forward to developing my relationship with her, even if it’s only as friends. That’s enough for me, as long as I get to have her in my life, at least a little bit.
But her marriage did get me thinking. I have been in love with women many times before, or at least believed I was, only to lose them as they took vows with another man. And I’m writing this from a heterosexual man’s point of view because that is what I am, but it goes both ways. A couple of years ago, a former friend met me for supper when I was in her proverbial neck of the woods, where she admitted that she had a crush on me since I was her professor. So yes, women lose men as well.
She did something very interesting. She live streamed her ceremony on her social media account, so in a strange kind of way, yes, I was there. As I watched (off and on), it kind of occurred to me that when a person marries, they are (usually) leaving everyone behind who was hopeful that there was a chance. No, there wasn’t a chance with us (I’m so much older than her that if we actually did make love, I could have said “CALL ME GRANDPA!” to be kinky), but she is so attractive and, men being men, yes, I’ve had my thoughts. But as she stood at the altar speaking her vows, she was leaving me, and others who had legitimate hopes to be with her, behind. It’s not unlike standing on the runway and being hit by the blast from the jet engines as the two of them fly off into the sunset.
Okay, maybe the metaphor was a stretch. But at least I didn’t make a reference from a Japanese animation.
I wish her the absolute best for her life and look forward to keeping in touch as she becomes the amazing person that I know she will be. I truly hope that her marriage is happier than mine was, but if something does go wrong, she’ll have a friend in me, no doubt along with many others. But I do know it is an amazing journey they have ahead of them.
Is there a point to this post? I’m not sure. For the married couple, just beginning their journey, it’s proper and right to leave those with romantic aspirations behind. It’s a mistake to try to encourage such strings to continue. Expecting the new spouse to sever all ties with past friends and romances completely is not just unrealistic but actually emotionally abusive, it is important for both to consider the relationships that they do keep. She can, as I hope she does, keep her relationship with me because I am just a friend and recognize that there is no chance that I could be anything else. They can also keep old romantic partners as long as the relationship has evolved to one of friendship, as I have been able to do myself. Anybody who cannot let go of their hope of being together is probably best left in the past. Keeping somebody in their life who is still hoping for their chance is in essence keeping somebody hoping for the relationship to fail and will likely do what they can to be sure that it does. I’ve known people like this, giving “friendly” advice that they married the wrong person, and “all they want is happiness.”
So, to my friend, congratulations. I truly hope your romance with your husband becomes the stuff of legend.