Weeping 8/31/22

Depression with Richard Bleil

For several days, I’ve just simply felt like weeping.  There seems to be no reason for it, and perhaps I’m writing this particular blog post as a way to perhaps figure it out.  I really don’t know.  When I feel like this, it’s like the tears are stuck in a lump in my throat.  Often, when I feel emotionally stuck like this, I’ll throw on one specific movie that always makes me cry like a baby.  I hate the movie because it’s so emotionally challenging for me, but I always keep a copy of it just for this reason.  It would be better to curl up with someone who understands me, and doesn’t mind when a man cries, but there it is.  Alone again, as usual.  I can’t watch it today, though, as there should be a crew here in a few hours to put my new roof shingles on.  I don’t think they’ll want to see me weeping like a baby as they are working like men. 

When I feel like this, it’s often cathartic to consider why I might be feeling this way, but unfortunately, I’m not coming up with a reason.  It kind of started when I lost Bernie Bird, so that might be part of it.  He only lived with us for a few days before passing on, and I never thought he would survive, so his passing was hardly unexpected, and yet, when I found him motionless in his cage, it still struck me pretty hard. 

As the summer comes to an end, I realize that this, too, might be part of the problem.  The mind remembers traumatic and emotionally painful experiences, and I’ve had many in summers.  I’ve spoken of this before, but both of my parents died in the summer, my wife asked me to leave in the summer, she filed for divorce in the summer (specifically in August), and twelve months later the divorce was finalized.  Other difficult events happened to me over the summers as well, but I think you get the idea.  As the summer comes to an end, I also used to be gearing up for a new academic year which may be part of the issue as well.  Maybe I’m feeling a sense of loss because I do miss teaching.  I started teaching a principles of chemistry class for my friends which started yesterday, but it’s not quite the same.  Curiously, I’m starting it at the same time that I would be starting in a college or university as well.

As I’ve said in many posts before, I like talking about this kind of emotional challenge for me, as openly and honestly as possible, because I know that others might be feeling the same way.  If you’re one of my readers that might be in a similar state of emotional distress, you’re not alone.  I’m there with you, and yes, I’ve been contemplating suicide for the past several days.  No, you need not worry.  As it turns out, entertaining thoughts of ending it all is actually quite a normal thing but acting on these thoughts is where the problem lies.  I won’t act on my thoughts, that I can promise, and if you are having similar thoughts, please don’t act on them.  We’re in this together.  You can call the suicide hotline if you feel like you might, but, like the tide on the beach, it’ll pass.  I know that which is why my friends need not worry about me, but that’s an indication of just how blue and lonely I have been feeling of late. 

So now what?  I still haven’t been ziplining yet, something I had promised myself that I would do this year.  I guess maybe it’s time to look into that, but the problem with depression is that it interferes with your ability to actually begin things like this.  Once overcome, it truly helps you to feel accomplished, and generates a new happy memory, something that I’m desperately short of in my life.  I recently purchased a set of power tools as well, and I do have plans for using them.  If I can get past this motivational block, I can begin working on some of those as well, which will also help me feel accomplished and happy.

For example, I have a lot of boxes in my basement that I’m saving because they are good shapes, sizes and conditions.  I want to build a kind of “cage” for them, and I also want to build a workbench downstairs for other hobbies and projects.  I also have yet to apply to take my real-estate license exam, which is also weighing heavily on my mind.  Maybe this all will follow that movie to get this block out of my throat.

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