Profound Loneliness 12/3/22

Depression with Richard Bleil

Today a wave of desperate and extreme depression has washed over my psyche.  To my right is one of my handguns.  I have no intention of using it, nor will I, so you need not be concerned, but I also notice that I usually do not have such a weapon with me except when I’m desperately depressed.  It’s not a threat to my (or others) lives, but I’ve learned that this is an indicator of my depressed state of mind (or when I’m feeling unsafe such as when a police cruiser is outside of my house with the lights on).  I had a therapist, for example, point out how when I’m uncomfortable I tend to bounce my leg very quickly, or shake my foot.  It’s just an indication that there is something in my mental state of mind to which I should be aware.

I like talking about when I’m so down for a couple of reasons.  First, if I have a reader suffering from the same, I’m hoping that the reader will understand that they are not alone.  I’m with you.  I’m profoundly depressed, and it’ll most likely last for quite some time.  Second, it does kind of make me feel better.  I feel as if I am sharing my emotions with a good and dear friend when I write it in a blog, and by writing about it, perhaps I can work out the trigger for the depression which can help me to cope and recover. 

Today, though, I’m not sure what the trigger could be.  It’s not that I don’t have an idea, but rather, I have several potential triggers.  I’ve fallen behind in my blogs, and as such have been writing two a day for a while.  It wasn’t so long ago that I had the hydrogen bond epiphany, and I believe I had written to you saying that when I do have such tremendous breakthroughs, they’re often followed by a deep and dark depression.  I had a therapist hypothesize that I wasn’t truly depressed, but rather, my daily existence is always depressed.  When I have exciting news as I did not so long ago, my mental state of mind jumps up to the level where, according to her, most people live on a daily basis.  I can’t imagine this level of excitement and happiness being “normal”, but she went on to explain that once the initial excitement and happiness wears off, I simply resume my own depressed “normal”.  Unfortunately, having recently seen the happiness and joy that, apparently, most people get to experience daily, it makes my own level of mental depression appear to be that much worse. 

Maybe.  But there’s also a good chance that my chemical imbalance has been made worse due to a recent illness.  I’m actually just getting over something, although I do not know what.  A grocery store Covid test was negative, assuming that I did it correctly, and I’ve not gotten my flu shot this year.  I’m not sure why, but there it is.  According to the CDC, this year’s holidays will be bad because of the trifecta of infectious diseases, RSV, flu and Covid.  Well, whichever I had, I was very ill for about a week, and only now I’m starting to recover.  Since my depression is chemically induced (no, not drugs), there’s a good chance that this prolonged illness has thrown my already less-than-normal serotonin levels even lower.

And, as per usual, we are in the midst of our holiday season, a magical and wondrous time to remind me that everybody else in the world deserves to be loved and have family.  This year, it’s probably worse because I did do something very out of character and agreed to go to my friend’s house for Thanksgiving.  Unfortunately, on the day I was scheduled to travel, my illness seemed to just be kicking into high gear.  To protect my friend and her family, I bowed out.  I was honestly looking forward to spending some time with them, but alas, it was not in the cards. 

So here I am, alone in my own little prison that I call my house, trying to figure out how to recover from this loneliness when I am, literally, so alone.  My cat has been particularly affectionate lately, which does help, but it’s not the same.  My friends will remind me that they all love me, something that I know and truly appreciate and return as best I can, but again, it’s not the same.  Maybe this box of overly sweetened sugary cereal will help me feel better.  If I mix it with this tub of ice cream.

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