Thoughts with Richard Bleil
Although I won’t say that I am depressed, I can feel it sneaking it’s way back. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been pretty good. I’ve managed to pick up the house (it still needs a good vacuum, though) and start cooking again, and I’ve resumed my research on the Hydrogen Bond. Things are going well, but I try to be “in tune” with my emotions, and I’m just getting that feeling of starting to slide back down. At this point, I guess I’m a little bit blue, so we’ll see how far it goes. However, I did post to my social media a post that read “Feeling depression creeping back in.”
I know that I’m loved. My family is not blood, but friends who are widely dispersed throughout the entire world, and I know their concern for me as I waste away into oblivion. I do feel their love, and it means the world to me. One of these friends put a comment on my post that read, “I as well, but reading your blog and posts dear Richard Bleil help me! Your truth, kindness are needed my friend. Your chats at the Fayette hell hole kept me going. I think sometimes our kindness is treated as weakness and deep down I know our kindness will prevail! Thank you for just being you!”
So what say I speak a little bit about my “truth” in these blog posts. First of all, though, let me just state for the record that this very touching comment is very sweet and genuine, and it touches me deeply. Often, when a friend of mine makes a comment about being blue or having a bad day, I’ll often write something like “I’m here for you.” It’s very brief, and I mean it sincerely, but it also sounds trite. It’s not because I don’t want to speak more deeply and eloquently as my friend did today, but often the words just aren’t there. The comment my friend made really touches me. It shows me that she actually sees me, knows who I am, and that my posts are helping her is really what I want to do. Often I’ll write that I hope that if others feel the same that maybe I’m helping them, and here’s my friend saying exactly that. It means a lot to me and helps me to sally forth in this endeavor.
But in reality, I often feel like a fraud. It’s very possible that it’s the “imposter syndrome” of blog posts, but when I write these, I’m not sure if I’m writing them for other people to read, or just to vent my proverbial spleen. Is this a way to reach out to people, or a form of self-therapy? Every “truth” that I reveal feels like a little relief from the tension of my subconscious, so I do believe that this is good for me, and I honestly do hope that people (like my friend) find some comfort knowing they’re not alone on those truths in which we share a common stress.
All too often, I feel as if my posts are simply whining or venting. Often my feelings feel so trite to me and what is bothering me seems small and insignificant, especially when it originates from my childhood. Problems from so long ago surely must have been resolved by now, and the fact that I’m holding onto these feelings and memories seems insignificant. My friends (especially those studying therapy) would remind me, no doubt, that any feelings that I have are fair and legitimate, and even childhood trauma can remain unresolved and have an impact on our daily lives even in my late stage of life. But that doesn’t help me resolve these new feelings that my “truth” is insignificant.
Knowing that my friends find solace in my words means the world to me. Positive feedback of this kind reminds me that I’m doing this for people other than myself, and that I am successful in reaching at least some people. I look at posts from lovely young women who immediately reach thousands of likes and comments (or more), and I realize that, as a crotchety old man, I’m rather handicapped in my audience as I miss out on all of the horny young guys hoping that somehow their “like” or “comment” will make them stand out, and that’s okay. I have about four hundred followers (a little more), and they follow me for my words, not my looks. And I appreciate every single one of them. I’ve often said that I would be a success if I reach “just one person” as I have my friend who commented on my social media post. I know that I’ve reached more as well. And for that I will be forever grateful.