Thoughts by Star, the Lord and Master of “Hey, Mister” also known as “Richard Bleil”
The mice have been getting braver. The Hey Mister is such a miserable hunter that they’re starting to get into the living room and have even had the audacity to eat some of MY treats.
Well, this just won’t do.
Because he’s SO bad at hunting, I’ve taken over. I’m hoping he’ll learn my technique. The mice are not as quiet as they should be, and sometimes we know the cabinet where they are hiding. Hey Mister has seen how I hunt, as I hunch down near the cabinet or location, and quietly wait. It’s a deadly technique, although I haven’t actually killed any mice yet. I’ve caught three (we’re tied up as he has caught three in his traps as well), and he takes them. He puts them into a cage, and waits for a nice day to take them to the park about a quarter mile away to release them into the wild.
I sit quietly, watching where I know the mouse is, and just wait. Sometimes if he sees me jump, he’ll assist with the capture. Okay, I’ll give him the assist. But he doesn’t eat them. I don’t know why. Mice are juicy and fresh and delicious and full of iron. Yes, fine, they also cause bad breath, but it’s worth it.
I honestly don’t know how this guy Hey Mister manages to survive. His hunting skills are SO BAD. I wait patiently for the mouse to try to make a break for it, and he’s running around doing stupid stuff like cooking and laundry. Where does he get all of his food? It’s just insane.
He has these “humane” traps, but I don’t think the mice think they’re all that humane. I’m sure they get all panicky, especially when he reaches in with his bare hands and picks them up by their tail. They don’t seem to squirm much when he first picks them up that way, but they sure do become agitated and animated as they approach the cage, that’s for sure.
He says that he doesn’t even have to coax them out when he releases them. His three all came on the same day when his “humane” trap had three mice in it at the same time. He transferred them to the cage, basically opening the trap near the cage opening, and they were so desperate to get out of the trap that they literally just jumped into the cage of their own accord. At the park, he opened up the cage, and they literally leapt out and went running off in three different directions. I would have loved to see that. I would have caught them again. And eaten them.
Maybe not. But I’m on high alert ever since I caught my first mouse. And they’re such great exercise, too. They’re so quick and playful. Hey Mister sometimes buys me stuffed mouse toys, but the real thing is SO MUCH BETTER. They scurry, and hide, and it’s their wits against mine. But of course, I win. I’m so cool. And Hey Mister is such a moron.
Speaking of, don’t tell him that I’m writing this. He gets upset when he discovers that I know how to use his stuff. And my posts are always more popular than his, too. It’s not a contest, of course, but if it was I would win. Always. Because I’m better. But it’s not a contest.
And why doesn’t he ever bring any female friends around? He did bring one once. I called her Hey Lady. I like Hey Lady. She was very nice, but I haven’t seen her since. I’ve tried telling Hey Mister that he needs to bring back Hey Lady, but he doesn’t speak any civilized languages like Feline. He speaks this awful crude language that sounds like nothing but whining. God he whines a lot.
Okay, time for me to get back on the case. Maybe I’ll give the mice a rest and stalk the birds outside on the deck. I think the Hey Mister must feed them or something. He goes out every morning with seed and water, and shortly thereafter they seem to swarm around. I’m a house cat, so I don’t actually go out and hunt them. If I did, they wouldn’t stand a chance. But I do like sitting at the window and watching them. Sometimes I’ll talk with them, too. They have their own language, though. It’s not exactly feline, but lord it’s better than that nonsense that the Hey Mister speaks. He is so uncouth.
Bleil's Banter 