I feel as if I am carrying around a coat of pollution from my past, a “soot of arms” if you will.
It’s an important topic to me, as I am one of the “chronically lonely” elders that seems to be a thing these days, and have suffered from depression, diagnosed so long ago that it was called “Manic Depressive”.
The downslide hit hard a couple of days ago, starting with yet another nightmare. The dream centered around missing the proverbial train, as I’ve done time and time again throughout my life. It was filled with people insulting me, which was a new twist. The demons that are in my head keeping me from sleep so frequently managed to burrow into my dreams
surroundings can reflect the mental state of someone who suffers from depression. I live alone, with nobody to motivate me to clean. I’m not even talking about having her clean for me, but rather, just to say she wants me to clean for her.
Somewhere on the walk between the apartment and the science building there was a bicycle frame diligently locked tightly to a street sign. It was there the day that I arrived, and still there when I left.
I would love to be open, to have a wife or even a partner, but I don’t know how I would be able to handle being with somebody who actually loves and cares about me.
We’re alone and lonely, and just trying to get along as best we can without making everybody around us miserable. As my usual reminder, invite us, but don’t try to force us. It’s really important to know that people have not forgotten about us, but it is also up to us as to how we will handle this most dark and difficult time of year.
If I had a family, it would be a very different affair altogether. (It would be a very different affair. Sorry, paraphrasing a movie joke there.) For example, I think I would leave the tree down until after Thanksgiving dinner. I could see that as a fun family activity (replacing the early Black Friday nonsense). After a bit of time to let the dinner settle, put up the tree and begin decorating it as a family as a tradition and way for the family to interact.
Right now, the biggest problem with the road I’m on is that I am having a difficult time transitioning from the road I had been traveling. I took some wrong turns, and that smoothly paved freeway turned into gravel. But the thing is, even gravel roads are fun.
It was a dream of teaching, and while I used to dream about it, they have turned into nightmares. I’ve suffered a lot of loss in my life, but I think that this loss has hit me as hard as anything else.