The chaos builds slowly enough that it’s easy to think, “oh, I’ll pick it up tomorrow”. Eventually you hit an inflection point where it goes from that to, “ugh, this’ll take hours”. And it did. Days in fact. But once there’s a crack in the depression veil, it helps to take advantage of it and hit it like a storm. I still have more to do, but I’m feeling better already now that there is at least an end in sight.
Those four words, “I just need help”, are both so powerful, and so difficult to say.
eventually, I realize that I’m not really having fun with the game any longer. I recognize when it begins to feel like a job and is no longer fun, and my OCD is mild enough that I can, through sheer force of will, give it up
surroundings can reflect the mental state of someone who suffers from depression. I live alone, with nobody to motivate me to clean. I’m not even talking about having her clean for me, but rather, just to say she wants me to clean for her.
One of the issues with depression is that there is often no rhyme or reason. One day you’re on top of the world, and the next you’re in the deepest depths of despair. Today I’m down. I’m very down.
For the past week or so, I’ve felt like I’ve been missing that charge as well. I’ve lost my momentum that I had just last week. I used to be a week ahead on these blog posts, but this is being written just about five hours before it will be scheduled to be published. I’ve stopped my daily logs from my online therapy programs, stopped exercising, stopped almost everything. Yes, this is depression. I just have a hard time motivating to actually do it.
My surroundings often reflect my inner state, modified by my need to be professional. As a professor, I cannot stand in front of a classroom in clothing that needs to be washed. Wrinkled, maybe
The psychologists tell me that it’s a problem with my serotonin. I’ve been prescribed serotonin re uptake blockers, basically keeping higher levels of serotonin in the intracellular fluids between my nerve cells. If it’s not taken back up, this “happiness” hormone is more likely to find its cell site to bind to make me feel happier.