Accountable 11/25/19

Thoughts by Richard Bleil

Another disappointing day. There is so much that I need to get done, but I had no schedule today, so I slept without an alarm, woke up late, and had a pretty unproductive day watching movies and napping.

I realize that I’m disappointed in myself. My desire to avoid disappointing other people is very important to me. If a friend asks me to do something or, when I had somebody in my life, if I had things to do for her, then I would so I don’t disappoint them. But, why is it that I can’t motivate myself to avoid disappointing, well, me?

It’s really not the same. I think that maybe I’m already so disappointed in myself that, it just doesn’t matter if I further disappoint myself.

It’s a sad, and frankly, pathetic statement to make. But let’s be honest about this; I’m a guy who did everything “right”. I stayed away from drugs and alcohol, don’t smoke, try to be kind and respectful, finished my education, and yet here I sit with nothing to show for the effort. I’m considering applying for a job in the food or retail industry because, frankly, it seems to be all that I can do at this point. Yes, I teach as a part-time temporary adjunct professor, but I have concerns about that as well. I’ve worked above and beyond the call, and they’ve seen that, but with industry being what it is, I’m trying to decide how I will respond if they give the next permanent position to somebody else, simply because they expect me to return as an adjunct if I don’t get the position. Then what? Do I keep working because I need the income, or walk away and end up with no income at all?

I wake up frequently through the night and have nightmares on a regular basis. I find myself crying frequently, something that our society frowns on and keeps people at an arm’s length, over the silliest things. Today, I was watching a silly romantic comedy, and cried when he received recognition for saving a child from falling through ice on a lake. A warm moment, and it made me cry. And frankly, I don’t understand why.

In our society, we train boys to bury their emotions, but I’ve failed miserably. We’ve taught boys that it’s their jobs to be the providers, but that has failed miserably. I’ve taught everybody that we need to be in a relationship, but, well, that’s never worked for me.

In case you haven’t noticed, this post is rambling. I have no real focus it. I try to write about a variety of things; educational, opinion (but always to give my readers something to think about as opposed to pushing my beliefs), humorous, stories, but each blog is focused. Not this one. I may not even publish it. I think I’m just writing to try to work things out in my mind, wondering why, again, I find myself shedding tears on a silly movie for a trivial reason.

Well, at least I got my laundry done.

Feeling like I do, I typically wonder if I’m the only one. My mind tells me that I’m not alone, but there it is. I look at my friends, and the lives they lead. They have marvelous wives, and I wonder if they’re as happy as they seem, and how they ever got so lucky. I look at their world-wide travels and wonder how they can save up enough money for that when I am not sure if I’ll be able to afford food for the rest of the month. I look at their beautiful homes, and I can’t afford an apartment.

This sounds bitter. That’s not the point. I don’t begrudge any for the wonderful things they have; the spouses, the children, the homes, the cars, the toys. In fact, I’m happy for them. Well, more than happy, honestly. For there to be winners, there have to be losers, and I’m glad to fill that role so they don’t have to.

So, here I am, feeling sorry for myself, and trying to make myself out to be some kind of hero. I’m not. I’m just struggling to try to figure out my own destiny in a life of loss and chaos.

Ugh, and you’re still reading this? Why in the world?

Okay, for anybody still reading this, here are today’s takeaways. First of all, be happy with what you have accomplished, and what you have. It’s astounding how quickly it can be lost, and I pray that you never have to experience that. If, like me, you are struggling, please know that you’re not alone, and there are people who love you and would like to help out, just as there are those who have helped me so very much. I’m eating, sleeping out of the elements, and things will eventually change. Maybe for the better, maybe not. But until they do, I’m just going to keep wondering why I cry while watching movies.

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